After all the men bashing jokes, it time to FIGHT BACK!!!

How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened by the time she brings it.

Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will never be able to support you.

Why do women have smaller feet than men?
So they can stand closer to the kitchen sink.

How do you know when a woman's about to say something smart?
When she starts her sentence with "A man once told me..."

How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. There's a clock on the oven!

Why do men pass gas more than women do?
Because women won't shut up long enough to build up pressure.

If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, which do you let in first? The dog of course...at least he'll shut up after you let him in.

All wives are alike, but they have different faces so you can tell them apart.

What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A woman that won't do what she's told.

What do you call a woman with two brain cells?
Pregnant.

What do you call a woman who has lost 95% of her intelligence?
Divorced.

I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was
Always.

I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months - I don't like to
interrupt her.

Bigamy is having one wife too many. Some say monogamy is the same.

Scientists have discovered one certain food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%...wedding cake

Firm Up
This guy decides he's going to play a little joke on his wife one day.

As she steps out of the shower, he grabs one of her tits and says "If you firmed these up a bit, you wouldn't have to keep using your bra." 

He laughs and laughs. The next morning, he again catches her as she finishes her shower and grabs her ass and says "If you firmed this up a bit, you wouldn't have to keep using your girdle."

Again he laughs and laughs, while his wife plots her revenge.

The next morning as he steps out of the shower, his wife grabbed his dick and says, "If you firmed THIS up a bit, I wouldn't have to keep using your brother."