2 Dead Monkeys and a Little Old Lady
A little old lady had two monkeys for years. One day one of them died of natural causes. In grief, the second monkey passed away two days later. Not knowing what to do with them, she finally decided to take them to the taxidermist and have them stuffed.

After telling the owner of her wishes, he asked her, "Do you want them mounted?"

Blushing, she said, "No. Shaking hands will be fine."


2 fleas
Two fleas meet on Miami Beach every year, a warm flea and a cold flea. The warm flea is always there with the Stones on the radio, cooler full of Bud and suntan oil on, while the cold flea shows up shivering.

The warm flea asks, "Why do you always show up shivering?" The cold flea replies, "I come from N.Y.C. so I jump in a biker's beard and head down to Miami when the leaves turn color. The wind going through his beard makes me cold! To this the warm flea replies, "You're doing it all wrong, if you're from N.Y.C. go down Fifth Ave., find a beauty parlor, find a Jewish broad and climb up her leg and hide, next thing you know the leaves turn and you're on a plane to Miami, nice and warm like me."

Next year comes around and there's the warm flea, cooler full of Bud, Stones on the radio and all and here comes the cold flea shivering.  The warm flea says, "What happened? I thought I told you what to do?"

"You did," says the cold flea, "and I listened, I went down Fifth Ave., into the beauty parlor, up the broad's leg and went to sleep. NEXT THING I KNOW I'M IN SOME BIKERS BEARD GOING DOWN I-95!!!!!"


2 Italians on a Bus
A bus stops and 2 Italian men get on. They seat themselves and engage in animated conversation.

The lady sitting behind them ignores their conversation at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following:   "Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more. Two asses, come together again. I come again and pee twice. Den I come one last-a time."

"You foul mouthed swine!" said the lady indignantly. In this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public!"

"Hey coola down lady," said the man. "Who talking' about-a sex-a? I'm-a just-a telling my friend-a how to spell-a Mississippi."


3 Coded Messages for Mrs. Smith
Mrs. Smith has three daughters who are all getting married within the same month. She tells each one of her daughters to write back about their married life. To avoid possible embarrassment to their new husbands by openly discussing their love lives, the mother and daughters agree to using newspaper advertisements as a "code" to let the mother know how their love lives are going.

The first one gets married and the second day a telegram arrives with a single message, simply: "MAXWELL COFFEE HOUSE".

Mrs. Smith gets the newspaper and checks the Maxwell Coffee House advertisement, and it says: "Satisfaction to the last drop..." So, Mrs. Smith is happy.

Then the second daughter gets married. After a week, there is a postcard that reads: "ROTHMAN'S MATTRESSES". So, Mrs. Smith looks at the Rothman's Mattresses ad, and it says: "FULL SIZE, KING SIZE" And Mrs. Smith is happy.

Then it is the third one's wedding. Mrs. Smith is anxious because two weeks have passed and still no message from the third daughter. Then after four weeks comes a letter with the message:
"BRITISH AIRWAYS".

And Mrs. Smith looks into the British Airways ad, but this time she faints. The ad reads:
"THREE TIMES A DAY, SEVEN DAYS A WEEK, BOTH WAYS."