It’s a funny thing about life, you would think that as you get older and wiser that life would become less complicated. Alas, it’s just not true.  And if you’re a single dad, you likely know this fact better than anyone.  

You were, at one point, in love with your ex. You made beautiful children together. And somewhere along the way you and your ex fell out of love and left each other -- sort of. Unlike those heady years before you were a dad, when falling out of love simply meant moving on to the next woman, your ex isn’t going anywhere. Why? Well, it seems that you both have something very much in common -- you both infinitely love your children and do not want to be separated or removed from them.

You’ve moved on and are dating other women. Now there’s your ex and your girlfriend(s) to work, deal and negotiate with -- however you want to put it. And as a newly single father, negotiate you will. Here are my musings on the topic.

Acknowledge and respect that your ex is here to stay

To be able to relate to the new woman in your life unfettered, you need to come to terms with the fact that, because you have a child with her, you and your ex will likely know each other for the rest of your lives.

Acknowledging that fact is the first step to (some kind of) inner peace. Now that I think of it, the “until death do us part” in most wedding vows does hold true. If you are parents, then you're tied together, despite being separated. Even if you and your ex are not the best of friends, which is sometimes the case, there’s no point walking around in denial and pretending like she doesn’t exist while negotiating your love life with another woman or women. Your ex does exist and there’s a 99% chance that your children are happy that she’s still around.

The acceptance of your ex as an amicable lifetime partner clears the way for personal growth, both yours and your child’s.  

Your ex needs to be assured that she is your child’s mom

It’s something that all us single dads dread: Our exes finding a man to replace us as our child's father figure. You know damn well who the father of your baby is -- it’s you. And while I subscribe to the adage that no child can be loved too much, even if that love is emanating from the new man in your ex’s life, there are some hurts that can’t be softened by left-brain logic. If your ex is smart, she will always go to great lengths to assure you that you are the daddy in both title and deed.

So again we visit a quid pro quo moment: Don’t do anything that makes your ex think that she is losing her baby to the new woman in your life either. Your new love interest is not your child’s mother, so avoid promoting activities that can be construed by your ex as sacred mother-child stuff. 

Try to avoid these motherly outings with your new woman:

• Going to restaurants you went to as a happy family.
• Having your new girlfriend read to your child in bed.
• Traveling to the same places and resorts you went to as a family.
• Vacationing together in the same cottage you spent happy summers together as a family.